Of course no parent sits down for dinner planning to make it weird.
And yet, it happens all the time.
Somewhere between the salad and the main course, a high school athlete is asked something like, “So, honey, did any coaches reach out this week?”
The athlete stiffens, maybe gives a short answer or just shakes their head.
The parent might push a little. The athlete then pulls back harder. And by the time dishes are being cleared, everyone feels worse than before the question got asked.
This is a common recruiting conversation pattern in most Colorado households right now. It’s happening this way because the conversation is framed around the wrong thing.
Outcome-based check-ins are wrecking trust.
“Any offers?” “What did the coach say?” “Where are we at with your list?” These questions feel supportive to the parent asking the question. But not at all to the athlete hearing them.
They attach your kid’s sense of worth to things they can’t control. Every uneventful week becomes proof of something. Every unanswered email becomes a signal. Athletes start keeping recruiting news to themselves because sharing it feels like opening themselves up to evaluation.
The reframe is simple, but it changes everything.
Instead of “Did anyone reach out?” try “What did you do this week that you felt good about?”
Instead of “What did the coach think?” try “What did you think of the visit?”
Instead of “Where are we at with your list?” try “What kind of place do you think you’d thrive in most?”
These are sharper questions. They teach your athlete to evaluate opportunities rather than chase validation. That skill, more than any highlight film, determines whether they end up somewhere right for them or somewhere that just looked good in a text message.
As a parent, your job in this process isn’t to track the scoreboard. It’s to be the one place where there isn’t one.
I’ve spent nearly 20 years inside the highest levels of professional sports, working alongside elite athletes and teams, through signings, trades, career pivots, and everything in between. I also played professional basketball for three seasons overseas. The athletes who handled high-stakes decisions the best almost always had the same thing at home: a family that made it safe to be honest.
The recruiting process has enough pressure built into it already.
One reframed question at dinner won’t fix everything. But it might be the reason your athlete actually tells you what’s going on.
